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Company downsizing
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Text File
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2000-07-04
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2KB
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55 lines
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
department areas, we are forced to cut down on our
number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to go on early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of the younger
people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of
the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be
placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever
Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED
will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can
request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This phase
of the program is called SCREW (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may
file an appeal with the upper management. This is
called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy,
an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice,
but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures,
he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half
Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment)
unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income
From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED
or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees
who remain on board that the company will continue
its policy of training employees through our
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This
company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our
employees receive. We have given our employees
more SHIT than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on
the job, see your immediate supervisor.
YOUR SUPERVISOR (Logica = Pascal) IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU
RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT
YOU CAN STAND.